I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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