Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
