i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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