The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
