I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
