Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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