I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize