OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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