right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so much tequila, so little girl.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
