so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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