eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
