mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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