There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
