barbara walters just said penis...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
