Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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