i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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