So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
