Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
