Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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