RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
