Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize