i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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