You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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