I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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