I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize