If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
third nipple confirmed
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
