I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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