somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
