If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
