im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
