what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
