im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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