she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
