I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
