I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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