Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
