I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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