SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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