He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
