we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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