I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
