dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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