ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
