he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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