Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
