i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
