Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
