Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
