can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize