We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
