I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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