Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
