oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm bleeding and have questions
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
