My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
