totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize