I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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