I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
