What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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