it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
