wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
