she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you had me at cake vodka
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
