I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
