Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
