Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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