my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
